"If you need help, you ask for it." My Father's advice.
I need help.
I'm looking for advice...
The BEST advice that fathers have passed to their sons.
I'm one of the lucky ones. I have a FANTASTIC father. My Pops is still my rock, my anchor that keeps me from drifting on the seas that I manage to stir up from time to time. I was never the greatest son, but that was no fault of his. I don't have the words to express what his presence has meant to me.
I may not have the words, but he always has. Not many, but the RIGHT ones at the right times.
Now it's my turn.
My boys are dealing with things that I never had to face. I never had to deal with the pain of divorce as a child, my folks have been together 40+ years and are still going strong. (I told you I had a good one!) I, unfortunately, wasn't able to duplicate their marital success. That, obviously, has impacted the children and I find myself facing questions that I never had to ask.
I never had to ask those questions, but MANY of you have. I want to know what you were told, what words your Father was able to give you to help you through the tough times. Based loosely on the theory that it takes a village to raise an idiot, I'm asking you to help me raise the BEST idiots my village has ever seen.
The advice I'm seeking doesn't need to be divorce-related. Good advice is good advice. I'd be a fool to limit the chance to receive the kind words that fathers have passed to their sons, no matter what the topic. Money, love, duty, honor, loss, dating, friendship...there are as many pieces of wisdom out there as there are men willing to share them.
I'm asking you to share your father's words with me, so that I can be a better father to my children. In return, I'll be happy to share the best I get with you! All the advice I can get my hands on will be posted in the comments link (below) for the time being, so be sure to check them out!
Thank you for taking the time to consider my request.
Christian
© 2008 Christian Odadzin. All rights reserved.
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Collecting the wisdom of our fathers
6 comments:
One thing I remember my father saying over and over was "Don't do anything half assed". He said it all the time about the way we would be mowing the lawn or cleaning out the garage. I was constantly hit with those same words. It always felt like direction from a drill instructor but it stuck in the back of my mind so that when I started on any task, I would always work at it as diligently and methodically as possible to achieve the best possible result because in the back of my mind, I hear that same phrase over and over. I don't know if this was passed down from his father for sure but he was a Sergeant Major and a Drill instructor during WWII.
My father and I worked together for 18 years. Although I lost him this past May, I still manage to speak to him daily. His best advise to me was "Think before you speak or act, and if you REALLY have to think about something before you say or do it, you probably shouldn't say or do it !".
As for advice, my mom and dad didn't get along at all. I will tell you, it is very painful to see your parents be nasty to each other. Don't make comments that reflect negatively on their mom. I think it is important to have them learn the value of being rewarded. If they do something good, they may be rewarded with money or food, etc. I think kids today lack a work ethic. My dad had chores that I had to do, which has helped me later in life. I think I have respect for earning something rather just having it given to me. And last, teach them to be open minded. It is amazing what kind of opportunities or people you will come across that you never expect. (From an anonymous friend!)
I am a product of divorce, and I think I admire my mother to this day for the fact that she never said bad things about my father. and she had plenty reason to. I think that made a very big difference.
And she never let us use it as a crutch for anything. The only advice I can give is that as a kid, I had rules, discipline, and I didn't think I should get any special treatment because my parents didn't live together anymore. Even as a child, I understood what was right and what was wrong, and who loved me and who didn't. My mother didn't seem to have the guilt that so many divorced parents seem to carry, and kids know exactly how to work. I saw many of my friends do it with their divorced parents.
Kids are smart. They know what is real, and what is just talk. My grandfather was my father figure, and I learned alot just by watching him. and my father. I learned what NOT to do by the way my father lived, and what TO do from the way my mother and grandfather lived.
Well, I don't know how helpful this will be for you but I have some words of advice. My father was not the best role model in the world. He was not the most involved in the world. I can't even remember any advice other than what Jim said there with "Don't do anythign half assed!" At the time I poo-pooed the words but I guess there was some wisdom there. When changing the brakes, don't take any short cuts. If you are going to play baseball, be the best you can be. That sort of stuff. One positive I remember about my dad was that he did know how to work. He could tear apart something and put it back together better than it ever was. I guess he was trying to instill in me the knowledge that I needed to do these things. My advice would be to instill in your kids the desire to want to do these things. Don't put them down. don't ridicule them. Make tasks fun. Make chores fun. Make learning fun. My dad meant well (I believe) he just really had a gruff way of going about things. He would have made a fine drill sergeant but he would have failed as a teacher in an elementary school or a boss at a company.
I have 2 children of my own and I shower them both with love. From the moment I get home from work until they go to bed I try to be involved in whatever it is they are doing. Whether it is Connor (3) practicing his letters, trying to color within the lines or even just playing with his trains I am down on the floor and a particpant, not a witness to what he is doing. Evan is younger, only 17 months old. I try to put a smile on his face and make him laugh. Simply pretending to chase him around the room; the glee that I here from him makes me believe I am doing something right.
I used to teach elementary school and something that I remember from my education was to "Always take advantage of teachable moments". These are times when your child is actively interested in a topic or has a question about something. I try to seize those opportunities. It may be explaining how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly, why crayons are different colors, or how an airplane can fly. I educate them without them knowing that I am.
I teach my kids right from wrong and in a manner that they do not feel threatened. I don't make my kids cry in order to learn.
I inadvertently learned a lot from my father. I learned that there were better ways to do things than the way he did them. I always try to be the best that I can be; the best father, the best husband, the best role model. maybe that is what my dad meant by "Don't do it half assed John!"
My husband Jake offers this advice from his father:
If you ain't practicing a good habit, you're practicing a bad habit. (He says this is actually paraphrasing Denny Crum, the former coach of U of L's basketball team)
And...
You gotta give yourself credit for the small things you do right.
Hope this helps!
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